2:50 AM - 22/11/24

 I am exhausted yet again.

So I feel like I don't wanna write much, but yesterday there are events happened, so I might gonna write this diary long.

Well or not, I might just make it short. I feel so don't wanna thinking hard right now.

Ricky propose that with mom and I, we should go to cinema and watch a movie. So we did.

Luckily (or not) Iyan came and I borrowed his bike while Ricky using his to company mom to go there. Why not me, of course because mom doesn't trust me and I have barely any chance to riding a bike with another person behind me. And mom is fat, so I might feel so weighted and hard to move. 

I scared of the road okay? And I have the least experience in riding a bike compared to all my brothers and friends. I miss the opportunity to ride with someone now that I am an adult.

Iyan's bike is a vega type. The one that I need to changing gear and using my right foot to use the light brake. And the bike kinda not so smooth at operating, often just shaking. I dislike vega type and not really make me having a hard time, but just really such a bother to using it. This I think one of the why I feel so exhausted. Other than I didn't get sleep enough, of course.

Riding the bike while going back home too was such a pain in the ass, metaphorically, not that the seat make my ass hurt.

So the movie that Ricky really wants us to watch together is called If Mom Had Gone Tomorrow. The title itself is so sad that I don't even want to watch it.

I want a comedy or horror or something else other than sadness from going to cinema. But well, it really is been a while since the last time I go to cinema, so I go along with it and watch it with them.

The movie was of course, sad, but also almost all the main characters have good traits and bad traits, and the bad traits are so annoying. I think they really make them looks as real as possible, these are really the interactions that most likely happened in real life in similar scenarios. But man I hate their approach at things.

And of course it god a good, acceptance and peace ending. But they just mention all things they did wrong and didn't give them how to do the correct approach. I guess every people have different approach on certain things, but man I want them to at least give us how to do the correct one with their own correct approach.

Ah this is about approach like to the problems and emotions and stuff. Things like that.

Though the movie still making me tearing a bit. There is a certain scene when they gathering again, and I immediately knew that this is going to be their last moment gathering together with their mom, I got teary eyes. Even though the scene is not at the sad moment yet.

I didn't cried at the moment when the mom died, but I cried at the scene that they gather with such expression and the fact that they will never see her again.

All these regrets they have, all these things they missed. They reflect the past time and realizing how important their moment together with the mom. And the fact that they will never see her again, made my cry, a bit.

Idk why I make a big point that I just cry for a bit. I think I don't want other to think if I type just cry, they might think I cry like crying cry cry, even though I'm not. Not that it's wrong, it's just that I'm not crying cry cry. Okay? Whatever.

I think the takeaways of this movie is that we need to make the best of our time and spend time with our beloved mom, because we don't know when we eventually can't. And of course, not just being selfish and thinking of yourself and blame others just for the sake of blaming the problem to them. These characters do these btw. Thus the approach I mentioned. Don't be like them. Well, I'm sure they are all understand each other at the end of the movie of course. They regret at the fact of not being able to be a good siblings for their mom, after all.

So how am I gonna do with this problem. Are you gonna go to work and live outside, do what you wanna do and leave mom? Or be here, with your mom. Spend your time as much as you can with your parents.

I will do my own thing. Of course I cared about mom. But I trust her that she will be fine. I will come home at occasion. I think that is how it's usually goes. Mom have friends, though with how our house is kinda far, it's gonna be a bit lonely. But mom always talk to her friends like every day.

Not to mention my other brothers that might always be here because they work here or not too far.

And at the old days, I think I could just live with her with my own family too. Or with my brothers' houses. Like I said, I think this is usually how it goes.

There is also an option of nursing home, for old people. I don't know if mom will ever be there, but that's an option.

I wonder what mom thinks about the movie. Does she perceive it as a mom, or as a daughter to her late mother? Does she thinking about the past when she still with her mother, or does she thinking about the future when this might happen eventually? Maybe both. People are going to die, that just how it goes, whether we like it or not. And I think mom understand too. 

And I think mom will be more mindful now about her surrounding, and her sons, us. At least she got something from the movie, whether it's positive or negative, she learned something, and will appreciate it. Idk why I writing like this, idk, is this profound? I think I'm getting a big lightheaded for writing too long. 

At night, me and Ricky hangout with friends. This time there is no talking first, they just get into the playing together. So, I feel so bored and exhausted as I was, feel so sleepy. 

The thought of going home really strong. Why do I wasting my time here? Maybe I just better not coming. I'm not having fun after all.

We don't play Uno, poker cards, ludo, or anything. I don't think I will go there next time. I just don't wanna be feeling alone at the crowded place, wasting my time, looking something to do. I hate it.

There is no value in which I come there. So, nope. No to the next time. I'm okay with alone at home.

Well it's so sad that I have friends but the hangout really feel like nothing to me.

Anyway. Here's the sad guy:

And here's me in the mall with Ricky and mom:

These are so hard to managed! I think the the pattern of the photos is messed up. But whatever.

I use the "look good" effect camera, so I'm hundred times better here. 

I learn about how charming a wide smile is, so I do it in one of the photos. I think it turns out good.

It's already been 50 minutes since I started this diary. Oh my God. I need to finish this.

With the movie I just saw, I just pray that my mom has a good health and still going with high energy.

And I think I need to live a good life. That's all. 

With that being said, I will continue to writing nothing burger. So yeah, onto the next day.