12:46 AM - 06/11/24

 Nothing much happened in my birthday, as I actually like it that way. Iyan said something like a comparison of my stories (IG and WA stories) and Ricky's are very different, even makes me realize of how lonely I am. Well, I am indeed not having so many friends like Ricky, I guess, but I think I still having fun. Still, I feel sad for myself now that I think how lonely I am. I hope when I go into the LPK, I'd find some good friends.

I always having this trouble in me hanging out with my friends. Because, they will always just some several talks and after that immediately just playing Mobile Legend, a game that I didn't play. Well, I did play it in the past, but I hate the game for being too long and not really engage enough for my brain. Not really fun for me. The point is, them having play the game make me alone with myself and I don't know what to do, and just keep playing the game that I actually having fun with, Brawl Stars. But I actually often time not really in the mood of playing it again and again. But it is the only thing I can do to kill time, because even scrolling makes me bored and feel like this is meaningless. I just like, let me having fun with you guys. Let's play some uno instead. But they look like they really having fun, so I guess that's okay. 

The thing I hate is that, I just there. Not having fun with the boys. And then just go home. Like, why'd I go there, really. Well, just the opportunity to hang out and see my only close friends is what makes me go. But having no really real connection and not even really talk makes me sad and kinda enraged for this circumstance. It's feel sucks, this is not really a hangout. I wait for the opportunity to tell everyone about my plan going forward, about the LPK. But I guess I could do that for later opportunity, or not. They are having fun, that's good. I just feel lonely by myself. I do want more friends. 

My friend Ortiga asks me what occupation I was before, this is after I told him that I'm going to the LPK in Bogor. My answer is, I do nothing. My last occupation is that when I work at Cambodia, which is a year ago. Or to make myself feel better, it's 10 months ago. So he's shocked that I'm actually not working. At that point, I feel so useless and guilt. Yeah, I know. But I just can't, okay? I'm still in my existential crisis. I don't know what to do with my life, even after working and working all those times. I even think that I might use all my money to just buy whatever I want and playing games and having fun, and maybe just do sui*ide. Of course it was just a thought that cross my mind, like several times actually. But it was because of the stress of having the need to do something yet confused of what to do and the pressure of people around me wanting me to do something.

Typing all this like this, now I'm thinking... Am I mentally ill? Do I need help? I often think I do, really. But I always not gonna bother myself to go out of my way to seek help. Even though I think I do need help, but I always think I can still make do. Though, I think it will be late to seek help if one's mind goes crazy already. So I do think I need help when I still in my normal state. Though, still, I don't think I'm gonna do it anytime soon, or maybe ever. Idk. Maybe actually do though.

Idk what I'm typing anymore. I maybe should just go lie down, so I'll leave it at that. Here's me having mental breakdown:

Anyway, I hope tomorrow, or rather today, I'd get a message from the staff guy from Indosat that my phone number card is ready to take. I got my money from the Bibit app too, now I can go to South Jakarta to do Medical Check Up that quite pricey. I pray for God that all these days gonna be going nicely and with good results.