03:18 AM - 30/11/24

 Ah man I feel so don't wanna do anything. I just feel whatever to anything. I feel like I don't care anymore. 


Iyan asks to come, I guess sure why not? It Friday anyway so today will be the last day he comes because he never comes in weekends. So I let him come. 

Oh do I hate it. He stays until almost 10pm. He just don't wanna get home. He use my laptop, and that's fine, but at least asks me if I wanna use it. I know it's probably my fault to not just tell him that I want to use my laptop, but I actually don't really want to. I just hate his acts. 

Maybe I just try to looking for more reason to hate him, but even this thought process of thinking myself, it's me who is at fault for even thinking about this, it's me who's the bad guy, making me more headache. 

I still had my headache from yesterday, and me confused that I am bad or not, making me more headache.

I don't know. I just hate that he use me for convenient place for him to playing. 

I don't mind if he tells his tragic stories about how bad his parents are. He needs to tell someone or people to listen. 

I don't mind if he eats 2 times here free and use my laptop for discord voice. 

I just hate that my personal space get disrupted. I hate that I can't do my exercise routine. I hate that I can't focus on myself if he's here. I just can't focus to my Anki and my YouTube that I should've enjoyed. I just couldn't, I got distracted by his presence. The very fact that he's here makes me can't focus and I feel like I don't know what to do. 

With the hatred and the confusion that I maybe the one who's wrong for thinking like that, makes me feel like I don't care anymore about anything. 


After he finally left, after looking for his key that he often lose here, I just don't wanna do anything. I put some YouTube and watch a bunch of movies reaction to get some reaction and feelings from people, I know it sounds sad, but it is quite enjoyable to see people. It's just connection. And I just need to turn off my brain and watch the movies and reactions. 


I don't know, what am I supposed to feel? What am I supposed to think? Does looking for something to justify more of your feeling making you a bad person? Am I, a bad person?

I think that of course I'm not. I think that of course he's the one who wrong here and not me. And that what I'll choose to believe. 

He's indeed someone that's been through rough times, but it doesn't mean he's never made any mistakes. He still pretending to go to his college to his parents, even though he dropped out. And there must be more than from what he's saying. 

That's why I can't sympathize more, and I don't wanna be the one who help him anymore. 


This has been a rant about my feelings to this guy Iyan. But whatever. Because of him, and my headache, yesterday's been nothing so there's really not much to talk about. 

I didn't do any of my habits which are walking, exercises, and Anki. 

I feel like I don't care anymore if he asks to come. I'd say no everyday. But having said that, when it comes to the time, I might changed my mind. I just having the thoughts of what if and what'd happen to them after I reject them. And compare it to my minor annoyance or problem, and might justify my acceptance even though I declare otherwise beforehand. 

Sigh I just... Whatever. I don't care and don't wanna care for now. 


Here's me:


I hope I could enjoy more things, and find happiness myself.

Of course I hope and pray that everyone is healthy, and my family will and always be a happy family. 

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